Thursday, January 12, 2012

Groupon's "Clicky" Looks Like Something Culled from the Nightmares of the Damned!

On reading this article I thought Groupons new "Clicky" spin-to-win feature I thought it would be something kind of quirky or cute. Instead we have a creature cribbed directly from an HP Lovecraft novel:

This thing is monstrous even by horror novel standards. With two eyes perched wetly above its horrible golden body. They stare directly ahead with sad hatred etched in its terrible, unblinking hazel pupils. They seemed to bore into your soul and make you wish that its gaze was anywhere else but upon you. For if Clicky gazed upon you it will bring only sorrow rather than savings.

But it's eyes were not its most sickening feature. Situated directly in the center of its body was a horrible maw waiting to rip the flesh and crush the very bones of a luckless woman that happened to enter Groupons benighted land in search of a 20% off Zumba Classes at the Sheboygan Civic Auditorium.

It ghastly lips were mercifully closed but one knew that they hid miles of jagged, crooked, yellow teeth. Each one filed to a gore-ripping white point. One expected discounts when they happened upon Groupon but instead they received sanity-blasting horror served to them from a shuddering beast of the elder ages.

Do not attempt to flee Clicky because it does not sleep, its eyes do not close, its clacking jaws do not tire. It will catch you in the darkness and it will devour you body and soul. Gold was the color of its body but the spurting red lifesblood of the saver was all it desired. They came for coupons but left with nothing. Not even their lives.

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